kayode’s effect

 

- Kayode

unrelated but anytime i feel like writing or want to write, i sleep.

it’s somehow related but allow it.

alright alright, i think it’s now less of a surprise now that i’m a promise and fail kind of writer in certain aspects, and i think it’d be best for you and I to accept this(*if there’s someone on the other side still*). it makes things easier on the head for both of us.

i promise you i think about writing every other day, i’ve tried writing every other day too… but i don’t know, it all just seems very difficult now, it’s frustrating to an extent, knowing you used to enjoy something so well, having my eyes literally shimmer with excitement anytime i just THINK about it.

it’s been a little over 3 months since i last put up a blog post and a little bit of disappointment set in.

I HATED it. I hated myself more for hating it.

since when did i start letting little setbacks hold me down instead of drive me.

i guess every human has a limit to how much failure they can cushion.

we’ve normalized bottling up things that bother us, we’ve normalized solitude, we’ve normalized loneliness…. at least that how i see it.

loads of us really do want to trust people and “feel” vulnerable around them too, but for one reason or the other… personal or observed, vulnerability feels like a trap, a weakness, a million ways the other could exploit/hurt you and yes it’s all of those things and lots more but i don’t feel like going into details

i find myself caring less, about people and every other thing, as if that isn’t bad enough, i feel absolutely comfortable with it…. 

we are really a broken generation, aren’t we.

unique and daring! i love it

over the last three months, i’ve been denying, accepting and cooking, the main dish has been ready for a while now, been maybe more or less appetizers since then.(*cringe!*)

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- LOCAL MAN

(*one of my many appetizers*)

creativity is insanely attractive!!

my fetish….. maybe 

it’s been a madness since the last time i was here. up, down, left, right…. every direction basically that’s where i’ve been heading.. feels like i’m stagnant but not regressing.

i trust you are good… well i am 

trust

not sad…. not happy either and thats good enough for me considering all that is happening in and around me.

i didn’t stop writing… i forgot i had a blog for a while.. consistency died completely…. but hey i’m still a student(for like a month and half). I can’t wait to leave this trenches, i feel it’s holding me back in this aspect… i want to believe that’s what it is. i have the luxury of using this excuse for exactly a month and a few weeks… depending on if this article makes it to the blog.

i’ve been doing a lot and nothing too.

almost done-ish with my final year project which is a plus because it’s been taking an insane toll on me if i’m being brutally honest.

i’ve been studying(stalking) a few(a lot) creatives lately, those in the alté scene for a particular project, 

ayanfe the artist and her exhibition “now i know why birds fly”

creativity the way i look at it (*this analogy is weird even for me*)- it’s like an egg… not par-boiled…. raw… keeping you on your toes and your eyes peeled too… but i think that’s not the best way to look at it….. creativity might be the yolk plus the egg white and the shell it’s cage… so loose-guard it.. let it break releasing its contents resulting to new possibilities… its common knowledge an egg still in its shell can only be boiled, a broken one… well the possibilities are a more than a handful - think about them… like a knife that dulls quickly without proper care.

(*deadass felt like i’m in my 70’s*)

that was something

i don’t know what exactly it was but it was something… so do what you want with that information.

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over the last three months, it’s been difficult entertaining the possibility and accepting the fact that….. i’m might not be as special as i want to be, or not special at all to begin with, i’m not putting in as much effort as i’d like to with most of the things i’m involved in…. i’m not as open for collaborations like i once was because i feel like i’m not ready…. then i blame it one something else because i don’t want to feel responsible for my own slip ups.

i used to blame uni…. now i’m done with it and i don’t think i’ve made a substantial amount of progress…

i’ve had time to think and it’s been revealing…

like a time-lapse with different eras 

i’ve denied

i’ve accepted 

now it’s probably time to do something about it.

i want to be at the forefront of our generation, part of the people driving this new breed of creatives.

just a bunch of people expressing what they feel through a certain medium and probably making money off it if you ask me…

it sounds so simple and yet it’s a lot!

i really can’t do that if i remain this way.

i don’t think i’ve earned to right to call myself a creative just yet…

consistency is a habit that i don’t seem to to get the hang of… 

i’ve been my own problem for a while now….

it’s a progressive war

i read this article on okayafrica about korty written by Wale Oloworekende… i was already aware of most of the things talked about in the article but it felt fresh… like it was my first time knowing these things… 

I WANT TO DO THAT!

this one might be well below my normal standards or the standards you’ve set for me in your heads.

to be honest i feel it too… it’s not really it..

but it’s not really for anybody but myself and if you pick a few things from it too, that’s absolutely great.

i wrote like 4 different pieces before i decided to run with this one, that’s how bad indecisive i am at the moment.

take this as a my new beginning…. you could care less i know…. i could too but it’s more or less my life and my p.

i really miss this

bye